Worlds Smartest Inventions 5 transcript
narrator: Tonight... man: Just wait 'til you see what I've got. narrator: ... truTV presents...( man laughing )... 20 astounding newinventions.man: Tired of stretchingjust for a sip ?Avoid stains like this withthe Couch Coozy.woman: If you can't get upand put your drink on a table,something is wrong.narrator: Revolutionary,cutting-edge products.announcer: It's nature's perfectpillow modeled after nature'sperfect shape.woman: Do we reallyneed the thong ?narrator: And productsthat help you cut corners.man: It's as easy as one, two,square root of 4,226.narrator: Plus, you'll meetthe world's tiniest pitchman.man: This is the greatestinvention ever !man: Oh, my God, did a wizardcast a spell on Billy Mays ?narrator: And find solutions toproblems you may not even knowyou have.announcer: With Creepy Catchers,no longer worry about earwigscrawling into your ears.man: So earwigs crawlin your ear.So that would mean thatcockroaches crawl in your...narrator: Loaded with sincereendorsementsfrom our celebrity cast.Tonya: I kinda looklike a *** carpet,but I don't feel like one.narrator: You simply can'tresist this deal."truTV Presents: The World'sSmartest Inventions."So don't delay, get yours now !Closed Captions Provided by truTVannouncer: Ladies, tired ofbeing ignored ?woman: What the hell ?announcer: Don't be afraid toflaunt your assets.man: Jeez...man: Oh !man: You see that ?announcer: Get noticed withBodyPerks.Lightweight silicone prosthesisthat enhance yourbody's natural shape.Mike: Oh, it's about time.The other day I saw a woman,I couldn't see hernipples at all.announcer: Just insert BodyPerksinto your bra.The proprietary contour designdoes the rest.Tonya: My nipples are inthe wrong spot.Fix my other one here.Ready to go out now ?Nipples by choice.Judy: Is anyone cold ?God, I feel a breeze.Loni: How's it down...announcer: No matter the mood,no matter the temperature,BodyPerks command attention.Brad: Turkey's done.man: Say, Bob, that girlsuddenly has erect nipples.Let's go introduce ourselvesto her.I bet she likes a good time.With nipples like that.announcer: With a tight tee,a swimsuit or a sexy dress,BodyPerks give you extra sassand confidence.John: For the girl that'suncomfortable with direct eyecontact,I suggest these.Nobody will look youin the eye again.announcer: BodyPerks.men: Yeah !announcer: Get yours today.Kevin: But what about whenthings go well and you get intothe bedroom and that guy findsout those nipples weren't real ?What, nothing happens ?'Cause no guy cares ?Exactly.announcer: Enjoying the greatoutdoors can be a fun familyadventure,until mother nature decides toloudly call your name.Introducing the Travel Toiletfor your outdoor needs.man: Finally, something forthe public pooer.( farting )announcer: Whether you'recamping, hunting, boating,enjoying your favorite outdooractivity or somewhereon the job...Brad: Watching a marathon of"World's Dumbest."You know someone's done it.announcer: The Travel Toiletis the perfect accessory.Setting up in seconds, it isthere when you need it.Mike: Long linefor the bathroom ?Don't worry, I brought my own.Danny: You can set it up inseconds.Or go behind a bush likeeverybody else.Loni: Leif, give me a leaf.announcer: The streamlinedTravel Toilet comes with its owncarrying case for easytransportation and storage.woman: Hey, Christina, is thatyour new Prada bag ?No, it's my Travel Toilet.announcer: Another added featureis the easy-open stainless-steelpullout toilet paper holder.Frank: That's the whole ideaof camping.You go in the woods,you wipe your *** with a leafand that's it.Look at this thing.announcer: The Travel Toilet ismade to accommodatestandard bio bags, and with thespecially designed frame,you can be certain yourbio bag stays secure.Brendon: You only provideeight bio bags ?What am I supposed touse on day two ?announcer: Other portable brandshave you sitting onthe waste bag,but with the Travel Toilet,wherever you are,you feel like you're at home.woman: Yeah, definitely keep itreally close to the campfire.I don't want you tomiss this ghost story.announcer: Made of stainlesssteel and rugged ABS plastic,the Travel Toilet ensuresa sturdy and comfortableexperience.Mike: The Travel Toilet.It's the ( bleep ) !Brad: Listen, I know it'sa forest, but I'm gonnaneed a match.announcer: Elegance,sophistication, convenience.After 150 years, the tuxedo hasfinally receivedthe improvement it deserves.It's the first one-piece formalmen's attire by Trillian.man: Check it.announcer: The ( bleep )-edo.Jaime: Can we even say( bleep )-edo ?Brad: This is likefor 007's stoner cousin,420.commentator: Well, hello !announcer: Behold a stylish,functioning tuxedomerged with the convenienceand comfort of a jumpsuitto form a fully functionalmen's garment.Chelsea: I don't get it.Was there a demand for this ?Billy: I guess this is usefulif, say, the Queen of Englandinvites you to a--to a formal changing of the oil.announcer: The ( bleep )-edoallows you to go from classyto casual in seconds.Mike: Here we go,ready for a night out.The ( bleep )-edo.Naked to fancy-pants.Okay, here'sthe moment of truth.Yeah !I feel very fancy.I might needthe next size up, though.Maybe.announcer: A graceful two-wayzipper allows easy access in andout of this timeless ensemble.Chuck: Which means, I guessit doesn't catch my junk.Daniel: If only these thingswere around when I was a kid.My prom date would have gonehome much, much happier.Ted: I would bet almost anythingthat no ( bleep )-edo wearerhas ever ( bleep)-edo'd a girl.announcer: The bow tie andcummerbund aregracefully sewn in, so you'llnever misplace them again.Kevin: It's about time, 'causemy sock drawer is overflowingwith cummerbunds.announcer: The ( bleep )-edo canbe yours todayfor just six easy installmentsof $49.99,plus shipping and handling.What a deal.Just call the number below toorder and we promise to suityour needs or your money back.Judy: $300 forthe ( bleep )-edo ?( bleep ) the ( bleep )-edo.That's what I have to say.narrator: Coming up...announcer: If you're a drinkerwho keeps losing his beer...man: Where'd my beer go ?announcer: ... then you needthe Beer Pager !Mike: Where is my beer ?man: Ahhh !Mike: Oh, there it is !It's in my belly !narrator: And, looking to ***your pooch's ride ?Chuck: Wow, now man's bestfriend is also his worst fashionaccessory.narrator: Plus,hands-free video.A new way to capture life'simportant moments on video.Billy: The great thing aboutthis is people don'tnotice you filming them.No, it's just a baseball cap.narrator: When "World's SmartestInventions" continues.announcer: You opena lot of beers.man: Cheers !announcer: But how manydo you finish ?man: I don't know.announcer: If you're a drinkerwho keeps losing his beer...man: Where's my beer ?announcer: ... then you needthe Beer Pager !Danny: The Beer Pager !It's like The Clapper fordrunks.announcer: Simply pushthe button on the sleek remoteattached to your belt.Using flashing lights anda distinctive sounds...man: Ahhh !announcer: ... the Beer Pageralerts you to the whereabouts ofyour beverage.Daniel: I noticed your pager.Are you a doctor ?No.I'm an alcoholic.announcer: It may look normal,but the Beer Pager's simpleexterior hides sophisticatedpaging technology.man: ( burping )Ahhh !man: Nice !Brad: But how am I gonna tell mybelch ringtonefrom all the belching of mygross friends ?( commentator burping )Loni: As a child,I was a Beer Pager.I would get my mama's beerall the time.I'd take a little sip, too.Sorry, Mama.announcer: It works up to60 feet away.man: Ahhh.announcer: Even through walls.Kevin: Just in case your beerhas literally been kidnapped.Mike: Where is my beer ?man: Ahhh !Mike: Oh, there it is !It's in my belly !announcer: Act now and get theBeer Pager for the low, lowprice of 19.95.Christina: The Beer Pager isthe last purchase you makebefore you go to rehab.Leif: Huh ?announcer: Get the Beer Pagerand never lose a beer again !The Beer Pager by Weebly.Brad: Weebly ?Weebly's a lot more creativethan White Trash, Incorporated.man: You, you're good.( woman screaming )announcer: Are you disgusted bybugs in your home ?For every one you see,there could be hundreds morecreeping around !Mike: Those are someenormous bugs.Chuck M.: Chuck Mango here withCreepy Catchers,the world's safest,most effective insect trap.Daniel: Stop.Don't say another word.You had me at Chuck Mango.Chuck M.: No longer worry aboutpoisonous spiders,swallowing bugs in your sleep,earwigs crawling into yourears--John: Hold on, little man,let me get this straight.So earwigs crawl in your ear.So that would mean thatcockroaches crawl in your...( man screaming )Chuck M.: Ideal for centipedes,cockroaches, nasty jumping bugsand much more.Eradicate the bugs for good !Michael: You know why the bugslook so big ?He's ( bleep ) tiny !Chuck M.: You wanta piece of me ?They're lured inside wherethe super-sticky nontoxic gluehas the strength to catch andhold even the largest bugs.Once they're stuck,the bugs are out of luck.Kevin: Chuck knows the world'smost effective insect trapbecause he's gotten stuck in it.Chuck M.: For bugs big andsmall, Creepy Catchers capturesthem all !Brendon: Hey, Chuck, you gotanything for beard bugs ?Chuck M.: Now you can get fourprofessionalCreepy Catcher trapsfor just $7.99.But wait !Order online now and we'lldouble the offer.Tonya: If you don't havethe money to actually go out andbuy something like that,just use some duct tape and, youknow, a little peanut butter.I promise you, if it'sreal duct tape, it'll work.announcer: Don't delay !Take advantage of our speciallimited time offer.Chuck M.: It's a bug's worstnightmare !Billy: Just like Chuck Mangowith fake vampire teethis my worst nightmare.( commentator burping )announcer: Tired of missing theperfect video because you hadyour hands full ?man: Where's my damn camera ?Damn it !announcer: Introducinghands-free video recordingwith Hatcam.With Hatcam, you can easilycapture your greatest adventuresto re-watch again and again.Kevin: Yeah, you could do that.Or you could justuse your memory.announcer: The universal cameramount on Hatcam's brim fits alltripod-compatible cameras.Mike B.: You don't getno camera ?Not even a little cheap camerato go with it.It's just a hat with a screw.The rest is up to you.Billy: The great thing aboutthis is people don't notice youfilming them.No, it's just a baseball cap.Brendon: I don't think this isthe right kind of camera to usefor this.Bryan: How about a shoe camso I can see up skirts ?announcer: Hatcam is great forvacations, sporting events andinstructional videos.man: Nice one !Daisy: Why are we watchingvideos of fishing and baseball ?Where are all the sex videos ?Danny: ( groaning )( bleep ) damn it !Honey, is that the Hatcam ?Frank: I'm just getting myselftogether to do the show.I definitely wouldn't get laidwith this hat, I can tell.Brendon: This is abehind-the-scenes look.Leif: Oh, there he is.Brendon: Hey, you the new guy ?Leif: Oh-- I'm the new guy ?Wait, you're the new guy.Brendon: Nah, dude.I've been doing this for, like--Leif: Excuse me, bro.Come on.I've been here since season one.Brendon: Bro.Leif: What about you ?Brendon: I've been heresince 9:00.Leif: Oh, good one.Congratulations, welcome.announcer: The affordable Hatcamcomes in a variety of colorsand adjusts to fitany size head.Chuck M.: Here's my trip toNew York City !The Statue of Liberty !The Empire State Building !I even met Donald Trump !announcer: So don't delay,order Hatcam today !man: Yeah !Mike T.: Well, I'm working onCamhats, little hats to put ontop of your camera.It's adorable.announcer: You love taking yourdog out on the townbut keeping him on a leash canbe a real drag.John: You know, you carry yourdog around and it really takesup your hand.announcer: If only there wasa way to take your dog with youthat keeps him safeand your hands free.Well, now there is.Introducing the Puppoose.Daniel: I don't even care whatthis thing is.I just instinctively buyanything that's crocheted.announcer: The Puppoose is themost ergonomically designednatural way to carry your pet.The luxuriouslylightweight soft fabricmakes using thiscarrier a breeze.Chuck N.: Wow, now man's bestfriend is also hisworst fashion accessory.man: Yeah, very cute.Wait 'til I crapfrom three feet in the air.announcer: Just ease yourfour-legged friendthrough the four comfy holes,secure with a safety strap andyou're ready to hit the road.Bryan: I have one just likethat, only mine is bigger.And it has three holes.You do the math.Billy: This is the kind ofdevice that seems to requirea lot of cooperationon the dog's part, or maybe--maybe a powerful sedative.announcer: Now your dog goeswherever you go.To the office,to the mall or even a party.Mike T.: Finally, me and mystupid tiny dog can express ourlove through the magic of dance.announcer: In rain, sleet orsnow, Puppoose keeps your poochbest in show.Brendon: What's the weather likeoutside today ?Is it doing some weirdcartoonish rainor snow or something ?Billy: Okay, Meadow,come on, okay.This is gonna be fun,it's a Puppoose.announcer: Puppoose comes inthree sizes and fits small dogsup to 22 poundsand the Puppoose can beyours for only $60.So don't leave Fido behind,get your Puppoose today !Billy: Ta-da !He loves it !John: Now with the Puppoose,I'm hands-free.See ya !Loni: Where's my lip gloss ?Thanks, Chuck Mango !He's so sweet.narrator: Coming up, don't leavehome without it !announcer: It's wearable hairthat you can wear anywhere !Kevin: This is for the man whosees a regular toupeeand decides, that's not quiteembarrassing enough for me.narrator: And...announcer: Poop Freeze.The pet product that uses apatented process to freeze andharden the poop.woman: Look !Frozen !Nothing.I barely tasted it.narrator: Plus...announcer: Introducingthe Razorba.It's the do-it-yourself solutionto unsightly back hair.Bryan: Thanks, Razorba !Now I don't have to ask thelifeguard to shavemy back for me.narrator: It's all coming upwhen "World's SmartestInventions" continues.announcer: Do you have troublegetting a good night's sleep ?Are you constantly tossing andturning, trying to find theperfect position of comfort ?Daisy: What is with thisscary-looking spokesmodel ?announcer: If your currentpillow makes it difficult torelax and sleep easily,you can now rest assured.The *** Pillow is the productyou've been waiting for.Brendon: I have been waiting forthis my whole life.woman: Hello ?Brendon: Yeah, honey ?woman: Yes ?Brendon: The only reason I wasdating you was so I could restmy head on your ***,and now I don't--I have a new thing, so...woman: What ?Brendon: Have a nice life,baby !announcer: It's nature's perfectpillow, modeled after nature'sperfect shape.Tonya: You know, if I wanted tosee my butt in a G-string,I'd just look in the mirror,all right ?Leif: Woo !Frank: *** Pillow.Judy: Do we reallyneed the thong ?Brad: That is the last thingI want to lay on.Ben: My girl is always onthe road for business,so I don't get to cuddle withher the way I like to.Thanks to *** Pillow, I feellike she's still here.John: Doesn't thiscome in a bigger size ?What am I gonna do whenLoni's on the road ?I mean, it's nothing.announcer: The *** Pillow ismade to provide maximum comfortwherever you use it.Use it at the officeto ease back pain,use it in your bed to sleep,use it on the couch whilewatching a movie.You can use it anywhere ?Kevin: You can use it inthe bed, the office,or anywhere else youfeel like you've been gettingtoo much respect.announcer: Order now and get the*** Pillow for the low priceof just $29.99.Ted: It lasts so much longerthan a real truncated cadaver,which costs like30 bucks at the morgue.announcer: *** Pillow.It's the perfect asset to a goodnight's sleep.Billy: Honey, I think your*** Pillow needs tolose a few pounds.Oh, oh, that's you.I'm so sorry.announcer: Oh, no !It looks like your dog has leftyou another surpriseand it's up to youto pick it up.Leif: There's nothing worse thanactually grabbing your dog'swarm hot, gooey feces.announcer: But now there'sa better way.Introducing Poop Freeze,the pet product that doesexactly what itsounds like it does.( Frank blowing raspberry )Poop Freeze uses a patentedprocess to freezeand harden the poop,making it easier to handle.All you have to do is point,spray and take it away.Kevin: Just in case we ever getthe technology in the future,maybe we can revive it.commentator: Woo-hoo, yeah !Mike T.: Works great.woman: Look !Frozen.Nothing.I barely tasted it.announcer: Plus, it helpseliminate the messand potential health risksunattended animal droppings cancause your pet and your family.Michael: Who needs this ?It's ( bleep ), okay ?Hot and steamy,fresh or frozen,you're handling poop.John: Good boy !Look at that !Bryan: No mess, no fuss !Not just for the dog.Judy: You see, we've gothundreds of these at home !From our trip tothe Grand Canyon,Yellowstone,oh, and that time we hadsome bad Mexican food.commentator: Stupid *** !announcer: So why deal with themess when you can just frost itand toss it withPoop Freeze for only $9.99 ?Loni: Frost and toss, baby,frost and toss.Billy: Okay, I'm gonna freezeyour poop !announcer: Call now and we'lldouble the offerand include a second can free !You get two cans of Poop Freezenow for only $9.99,but you have to call now.Daniel: If you have to pick justone ( bleep ) freezing spray,make it Poop Freeze.announcer: Introducingthe Bra Baby,the smart way to baby your bra.Bra Baby is the revolutionarynew washing systemthat protects your finest brasfrom the ravagesof the washing machine.Daisy: Oh, this isdisappointing.It's not a bra for my baby ?announcer: Watch this.We took two identical bras andwashed and dried themeach 50 times,one the old-fashioned wayand one with the Bra Baby !Judy: 50 times ?I've only washed my bra, like...I've never washed my bra.announcer: Traditional washingand drying ruined this bra,leaving it lumpy and creased,but the Bra Baby bralooks as good as new.Frank: Why is the bra so moredelicate than my underwear ?I throw my ( bleep )in the dryer and washer,still fits,still holds my package.announcer: Bra Baby is as simpleto use as one, two, three !Simply hook the straps together,place around the inner shell,then tuck, and snap the outershell around the bra.Loni: I just want towash my bra.I shouldn't have to doa Rubik's cube to get it clean.Danny: The--The Bra Baby !It's actually harder to get openthan a Catholicschoolgirl's bra !announcer: With its uniqueFlo-Thru design,the Bra Baby allows water togently clean your delicateswhile it protectsthem from the agitatorand from the weight of the otherclothes in the spin cycle.Best of all,Bra Baby is dryer safe.man: Ahh...For the love of God,someone turn that thing down !Bryan: I can use thisfor my G-strings, too.And my hamster.commentator: I don't want it !I get my bras dry-cleaned.Danny: Five more pounds, I'llactually need one of those.I have "moobs."announcer: Bra Baby, the smartway to baby your bra.Brad: It comes intwo nifty sizes:Loni Love...or Chelsea Peretti.Wahh-wahh.announcer: Ladies not even awareyou're there ?Well, make them starewith the all-new Flair Hair.It's wearable hair that you canwear anywhere !Kevin: This is for the man whosees a regular toupeeand decides, you know what ?That's not quite embarrassingenough for me.announcer: Get the Flair Hairvisor and you'll always getthe best kind of attention.Ted: Hair attached to a visor.Why didn't I think of that ?Oh, 'cause I have self-respect.announcer: From the golfcourse...man: Yeah, nice !announcer: ... to the boardroom,it's always coolto look this hot.Judy: I don't know if this isgonna fly in the bedroom.Christina: I like the nerdinessof a sun visorcombined with the uglinessof Muppet hair.That's hot.man: The Flair Hair make youfeel freaky and fresh,it'll makes you feelfresh and freaky,it make you feel freaky, freaky,fresh, freaky,fresh, fresh, freaky.announcer: Inspired by young,cutting-edge fashion,Flair Hair gives youeye-popping style.Brad: Young Brad.Old Brad.Young Brad.Old Brad.man: First time I wore myFlair Hair, I was constantlyapproached by women.I made three separate dinnerdates the first day.Jaime: Those women approachedyou 'cause they wanted to geta closer look at your lie.announcer: Get added confidenceand make that much-needed changeto your life.Wes: What are you talkingabout ?Every day is like Flair Hairfor me.Chris: Balding men don't needtricks like this,they just use a bandanna.Right, Leif ?announcer: Flair Hair.Be as stylish as you dare.narrator: Coming up:The world's mostversatile garment.announcer: It can beworn as a dress,a halter, a vest.Daniel: Truly, we areliving in the future.narrator: And, more hairycontraptions.announcer: The elastic hair bandfits gently and snuglyaround her developinglittle head.Judy: My baby isso ( bleep ) ugly !But not anymore !Look !Isn't she cute ?narrator: Plus, a safe andrestful sleep can now be yours.man: The Bed Bunker holds up to35 rifles and 70 handguns.Danny: I've heard of keepingprotection by your bedside,but this is ridiculous.narrator: Next, when "World'sSmartest Inventions" continues.man: Oh, what a happylittle guy !woman: Girl !announcer: She's your preciousdarling...she's your smiling sweetheart.woman: Oh, he is so cute !woman: She !announcer: But why don't theyknow your little ladyis a little lady ?woman: Hair, that's what !announcer: That's right.It takes time for baby girls todevelop those longluxurious locks,that's why you need Baby Bangs.Baby Bangs is the hairpieceaccessory that gives baby girlsa beautifullyrealistic hairstyle in a snap.Bryan: There's nothing moredisgusting than a bald littlebaby head.Ugh.Chelsea: Baby Bangs,for the deep-feeling parentwho's patient and tolerant oftheir child's naturaldevelopment.Frank: They got the ( bleep )Beatle haircut.They look like Ringo.( rim shot )announcer: The elastic hair bandfits gently and snugly aroundher developing little head.Ted: Then you can duct-tape thebaby to your passenger seatand use the carpool lane.A little goatee helps, too.Brad: It could be Baby Bangsor it could just bean Italian bride's garter.( rim shot )Brendon: Makes a pretty coolwristband, too !Yeah, Slayer rules !Slayer, Slayer, Slayer !announcer: Baby Bangs areperfect for keepsake photographsor anytime your baby wants togreet her adoringpublic in style.Judy: My baby isso ( bleep ) ugly !But not anymore !Look !Isn't she cute ?John: What do you think, buddy ?Look at that face.announcer: Get Baby Bangsat fine gift storesfor only $29.95.woman: She is so precious.And what lovely hair !woman: Thanks, Baby Bangs !Wes: Kids, it's never too earlyto start wearing a toupee.Just ask Leif Garrett.Leif: Aw, ( bleep ).Forget it,I'm not doing this one.announcer: Face it.Nobody likes a hairy back.But there's been noeasy way to clean it up.Until now !Introducing the Razorba.Brad: Now I know what to getJudy for Hanukkah.Frank: This will be a big sellerin the Middle East.The ( bleep ) Iranianswill love this ( bleep ).Mike T.: I don't have time tocare about hair being in weirdplaces on my body,I'm a man !I have machines to buildand wild horses to tame.( horse neighing )announcer: Razorba is a durable,flexible extender.No need for a new razor, it fitsthe one you already have.Daniel: Given that I alreadywash with a rag on a stick,why not shave witha razor on one ?( laughing )Brad: Oh, God !Oh, I should have just livedwith a hairy back !Mike B.: Who's gonna putaftershave on your back afteryou do that ?announcer: This year, get everyhard-to-reach place before yougo to the beach.No more toxic chemicals.No more asking for help.Bryan: Thanks, Razorba,now I don't have to ask thelifeguard toshave my back for me.Marianne: Well, I guess myhusband and I willhave to figure outanother way to bond.Here you go.Have fun.Leif: If you can't reach yournut sack or your back,I don't think you should beshaving there.Chelsea: You know, another wayfor men to rid yourselfof back hair is you putSaran Wrap on yourliving room floor,you cover it in Nair and rollaround like a little pig.Or Razorba.Whichever floats your boat.announcer: Get back at back hairwith the Razorba.Order now !John: I love the Razorba,because chicks diga hairless back.How'd I do ?announcer: Next time you'refeeling down, feeling thatno one really gets youor you're just wanting to hearsome encouraging words,well, there's a solution.man: That dream you'regoing for,that career you want,that recognition you'reseeking, it is yours !announcer: The "Cheers to You"CD is eight tracksfilled with encouragementand cheering applause.man: You can do it.The finish line is closerthan you think.Chuck N.: Just what I need,a CD that lies to me !Please, I have a wife for that.man: We're on your side,we're here for you.Wes: Finally, something toreplace the Jock Jamsin my CD player.man: You can do it.commentator: Yeah !man: The finish line is closerthan you think.Chuck M.: There's nothingI can't do.man: You're doing a great job !Chuck M.: Nothingcan hold me down !man: And now success is yours !Judy: Yeah, like I believe that( bleep ).man: It's all because of yourcommitment to yourself.You've earned it !We believe in you !Kevin: That's probably becauseyou've never met me.If you knew me,you would not believe.announcer: We guarantee you'llbe feeling better about yourselfand your life, or we'll give youyour money back.Loni: You wanna feel betterabout yourself ?Just watch our show.John: Call me, I'll tell youyou're not a piece of ( bleep ).I'll tell you that you arethe best guy on the planet.Pay me,I'll tell you anything.Mike T.: Everyone wants to knowwhat you're talking 'bout.Todd: This saves me from havingto do actually somethingcommendable !Thanks, "Cheers to You."( cheers and applause )Mike T.: Everyone knows you werethe better skaterand you're prettier, too !( cheers and applause )Uh, nice bandanna ?( cheers and applause )announcer: But right now, youcan get them for only 24.95.Call now and don't forget...man: Hooray for you !Daisy: Wait a minute.I'm starting to think that theguy on the CDsaid the same thing to all ofthose people.I don't feel special.man: Hooray for you !announcer: Feeling slightlychilly ?Left out in the cold ?Well, not anymore.Introducing the carry-able,flexible, multi-wearableSlinky Scarf.It's the scarf that'sso versatile,it can be worn as a dress,a halter, a vestand so many more ways.Daniel: All these differentlooks from a single garment.Truly, we are livingin the future.Brendon: There's this option,then if you'refeeling a little crazy,there's this option.announcer: Imagine having oneaccessory that'sas light as a featherand can create dozens of styles.You'll love the luxuriousSlinky Scarf for any occasion.Chelsea: Do you want to looklike a cheap pillow ?Get over here !Kevin: It can also be pairedwith formalwearif you feel like you might be indanger of looking too classy.Tonya: I kind of look likea *** carpet,but I don't feel like one.announcer: There's a SlinkyScarf style just for you.Choose from a wide array ofcolors to match any outfitfrom casual to elegant.Wear it any way, any day.Judy: I can't wait to wear thison my next trip to Afghanistan !Mike T.: This thing justkeeps growing, huh ?It's like coming down a fuzzybirth canal.Marianne: It could be a dress,it could be a paper towel,it could be--It could be a noose !announcer: So go sexy, elegant,casual, and be fabulous.Brad: You know what's evenbetter than the front ?The back.( commentator whistling )Tonya: I gotta haveone of these.I think it's sexy looking.Michael: That's pretty bad-***.announcer: It's carry-able,it's flexible,it's multi-wearable.Slinky Scarf.Billy: Yeah, honey,I'll be done soon.Can you put on the--Can you put on the scarf forwhen I come home ?Yeah, with--with nothing on underneath ?commentator: That's not gonnahappen.Billy: Okay.Oh, it was just an idea.narrator: Coming up:Do you suffer from male urinaryinconvenience ?man: I really gotta go !narrator: Then you needStadium Pal !Chuck N.: The Stadium Pal,it's like a catheter.Well, no, it'-- it's a catheter.narrator: And...announcer: It's the perfect giftfor the lady who justcan't keep the fellas away.Brad: This takes all the fun outof telling a dudeyou're a lesbian.narrator: Plus...man: Just watch !narrator: A toolyou can't live without.man: Take the fish and...Voila !man: The Wunder *** !Leif: Okay, I--Y'know, I heard the name,I got excited,and then I found out what it'sfor and I got really excited.narrator: It's all coming up on"The World's SmartestInventions."announcer: Your friendsare here.Your beer is here.But the restroomis way over there.man: Dude, I really gotta go.You coming ?man: No, bro, I'm good.man: I don't knowhow you do it, man.announcer: He does it withStadium Pal !Stadium Pal, an amazingnew product that lets you gowhenever you have to goand nobody has to know.With our unique liquid-transfertechnology system,fluid travels down througha sterile tubeand into the discreetodor-sealed waste-collectionreservoir.Chuck N.: The Stadium Pal,it's like a catheter.Well, no, it--it's a catheter.Ted: If you're calling yoururinating receptacle a "pal,"your urinating in public mightbe affecting your social life.Daniel: What's that, Bill ?You got two ticketsfor the game ?Hell yeah, I'm in.Let me just strapa pee bag on my leg.Leif: Oh, my God.I need this formy next drug test.This is perfect.Can I take this home ?announcer: Stadium Pal comescomplete witheverything you need,including a size gauge,to make sure you geta snug, drip-free fit.Mike B.: So you better not leaveyour Stadium Pal overif a chick comes over,'cause she gonna look at it andgo, oh, he gotthe little pal.Brad: Ew !Ew, it's sticky !Oh, my God !It's like a ***that won't go away.announcer: And now,there's Stadium Gal, too,because the ladies' room lineis always longer.Mike T.: Fantastic.Looks like your ***'s gonnago scuba diving.Tonya: No.No.No, I'll hold it, thank you.announcer: So get hassle-free,odor-freeStadium Pal or Stadium Gal.Danny: Stadium Pal, Stadium Gal.Which one does Judy Gold use ?announcer: Stadium Pal,keep the party going,even when you're going ?Frank: Isn't it easier to justgo take a *** ?That's what I think.Just saying, you know.John A.: Hello,my name's John Adrain.Today I'm gonna show you somefeatures of ourrevolutionary Bed Bunker.Christina: He seems like hemight have an enemy...or 500.John A.: The Bed Bunker is madein the USA,is a concealed safe thatreplaces your box springs,fits any standard-size bed.Chuck N.: You know what elseworks like a Bed Bunker ?Uh, what are they called ?A safe !John A.: The multi-locks are thehighest security locksavailable in the industry,the safe holds up to35 rifles and 70 handguns.Danny: I've heard of keepingprotection by your bedside,but this is ridiculous.Mike T.: Have a disturbingamount of weaponsthat you want to keep near youwhile you sleep to fight offyour sleep demons ?We have something for you.Loni: I wouldn't put guns underthere, but I'll probablyput some cupcakes.Frank: I would have had it morefor like jewels and diamonds tohide from your wifewhen she divorces you.Ted: This would be a great placefor Todd's dwarf.Chuck M.: Todd !Wait, wait, wait, wait !John A.: People have asked me,how long does it taketo access your Bed Bunker ?It takes less than ten seconds.Guns are right beneath you, soyou can access them in a hurry.Mike B.: What are you gonna tellsomebody that'scoming to rob you ?Go back 11 seconds and thenlet's do this again.John A.: We all want a secureplace to store our belongings,now with the Bed Bunker,the safest place to keep yourmoney is the safest place tokeep your guns.Chelsea: This productspeaks to mebecause I already sleep on topof a big pile of guns and money,but I never thought aboutputting a mattress on top.announcer: Tired of stretchingand straining just for a sip ?Avoid stains like thiswith the Couch Coozy,the amazing newbetween-the-cushions cupholderthat saves yoursofa and your sanity.Ted: There goes my ideafor a disposable couch.Kevin: You know, I've beensaying this for years,is that we need to find a way tomake drinking from the couchless physically demanding.announcer: Stop the struggle andsay goodbye to nasty rings.Just attach the finand slide it in.With Couch Coozy, refreshment isnever out of reach.Mike T.: What looks worse,a stain or a Couch Coozy ?I don't know,I think it's a draw.Chris: Italian grandmas who aresick of plasticwould eat this up.announcer: And thebeverage-leverage technologymeans your drinks are alwayssafe and secure.Mike B.: This is perfect if youlike to jump on the couchwhile you watch TV.announcer: But it gets evenbetter.Tell us why you love yourCouch Coozy and you could appearin the next nationwideCouch Coozy commercial.Frank: What kind of loser,really, would want to be on thisinfomercial ?Chuck N.: Once I reached for adrink on the coffee tableand boom, my back goes out.No more baby !Thanks, Couch Coozy !Kevin: You know, if you combinethe Travel Toiletwith the Couch Coozy,you might not ever have to leavethe couch again.Leif: Couch Coozy, right ?That's what I'm talking about.John E.: Listen, you're partyingwith Loni late at night,you got nowhere to putyour drink-- boom !announcer: Just attach the finand slide it inso call or go online now to hearwhat people are saying aboutCouch Coozyand get your free in-home trial.Billy: The problem is that a lotof people whowould want this productare just too lazy to get up offthe couch and order it.announcer: Ladies, are you sickof getting hit on by losers ?man: What's up, ladies ?announcer: At the bar.At the gym.Even at the pool.Mike T.: Oh, so sorry you'vebeen bothered with the constantattention and free drinks.That must be awful.Wear the ring that saysyou're taken.MsTaken !Chuck N.: Show me thatring all you want.Now you're just a challenge.I'm like hey.Bryan: Oh, that woman's marriedand that's a pretty big diamondso the guy's probably rich.I don't havea chance with that chick.Roger: I'm sure Stallone hasseen this a lot.announcer: The MsTakenfemme fatale ring packagecomes with a blingin'two-karat Australian crystal.Wes: Australian crystal ?Uh-uh.announcer: A sleek key chainring case and a stylish jewelrybox that holds it all together.Brad: Oh, and it comeswith a little mirrorso that you can look at yourlonely, sad facein a bar alone.announcer: It's the perfect giftfor the lady who just can't keepthe fellas away.Marianne: But does it come witha real husband ?Where's the husband ?announcer: Call the number onyour screen.Buy the ring that saysyou're taken.MsTaken !Mike T.: Now you can pretendit's your vending machinewedding ringthat scares men away, not your( bleep ) personality.Brad: This takes all the fun outof telling a dudeyou're a lesbian.man: Ugh.narrator: Tonight, we've seen19 new inventions.man: Yeah !narrator: Each more brilliantthan the last.man: Hooray for you !narrator: How did we eversurvive without them ?man: Nice !narrator: But only one amazingdevice can stand atop thishallowed heap.The number-one smartestinvention of all will be here inall its glory.Chuck M.: This is the greatestinvention ever !man: Got another one here !man: Great, got it !man: Woo-hoo !man: Yeah !man: Okay, who wants to cleanand de-bone 'em ?man: I'll do it.man: What gives ?You want to do it ?man: Just wait 'til yousee what I've got.It's the Wunder ***.Tonya: The name could use work.I mean, we're all thinking,okay, what are these guys gonnado with this fish, right ?man: You just assemble theWunder ***'s stainless-steelrods like this.Kevin: Well, the first timeI used the Wunder ***,I remember, I was at thechalkboard in middle school,it was very embarrassing.Oh, a different thing ?man: You take the fish,you find the top of the spineand you slide it through thering on the Wunder ***, and...Voila !Leif: Okay, you know, I heardthe name, I got excited,and then I found out what it'sfor and I got really excited.man: The Wunder ***.man: My wife would like that.Chuck N.: I bet your wifewould like that.I mean, de-*** fish,of course.Loni: This dude has a wife ?Wow.That's a wonder.Judy: Yeah, she's playing withthe Wunder ***right now while you're outfishing with yourfriends, okay ?announcer: Why go throughthe hassle of de-boning a fishthe old-fashioned way ?The Wunder *** makes de-boningfish this easy.Chelsea: This is great for whenI am de-boningsome char white fish or salmon,which is something I never do.man: I thinkthe Wunder ***'s a winner.man: So, Dave, where did you getthe Wunder *** ?Dave: It's funny you should ask.Michael: You got three dudesalone on a fishing trip.This is more like"Deliverance."announcer: Order your Wunder*** now for only $19.95.Brad: If you could really geta Wunder *** for $19.95,I would never leave my house.Dave: Just wait 'til you seewhat I've got.It's the Wunder ***.( belching )Danny: Wow.Frank: Excuse me,you talking to me ?Brendon: I've been"***-eyes'd."Marianne: See you ina couple minutes !( Loni laughing )Judy: Hi, I'm herefor the job interview ?Ted: You want a beer ?Brad: Oh, no, you're a baby !Judy: I'm here for theparent-teacher conference.Billy: Okay.So far so good.Wait a minute.Oh !Ran right into traffic.